Asking for help is not an easy thing for me to do, but I have learned it is a necessity for me to survive parenting.My social media footprint may lead some to believe that I may handle everything with calm and logic, unfortunately this is not always the case, and every so often there are times I struggle and have moments that render me useless and require me to reach out for help.
The last few days have been very needy days for me. It seems like I can hold my shit together only so long before I crack. My definition of cracking means I retreat to my bathroom; I get in the shower where I can have a cathartic cry that includes ugly, loud, snotty sobbing.
I adopted the bathroom as my “go to place” years ago as it has the essentials for a good stay. I have water to stay hydrated, the toilet for when you have to go, and the shower which I can turn on to drown out any primal noises that erupt from deep within my core; or I can choose to get into the shower and let the water wash away whatever caused my melt down.
Yesterday I retreated to the bathroom. Thus doing what I am constantly telling the kids not to do, took the longest shower and used up all the water. At times I stood in silence, other times I just wept covering my face with my hands in disbelief that I am feeling this way. I got my prune skinned body out of the shower, dressed and hopped right back into bed. I decided I was going to spend the day there, maybe just feeling sorry for myself, I don’t know, I didn’t have a plan.
I worked up the nerve and I sent out two texts; to people that I trust with my entire being. The first one, couldn’t have been simpler it read… “R U free? I need to talk” and the other “Can you find some free time in the next day or so to talk with me?
I then got under the covers and turned on the television. I have to say right after I hit send on both of those texts my first instinct was to somehow suck them back onto my phone. I DO NOT, and yes that is capital letters, like to ask for help or want people to see me as “less than” capable. I am the strong one, I listen and help others, and I am not the one who needs help. Thank God, I am not enough of a moron to actually listen to myself, as I needed the backup of those two people in my life yesterday. No, I was not suicidal or anything I just hit the wall of stuff I could handle.
I snuggled down, pulled the covers up to my chin and started to watch the Chicago Fire, Med, and PD trilogy I had on my DVR. I vacillated between watching tv and cat napping until both people reached out to me with back to back telephone calls.
My reaction to hearing each of the voices across the line was to burst into tears. Did you ever have that happen, you think you are okay and then someone just says your name and you lose it?
Both conversations where short, but powerful and it helped me get out of my funk and move forward. Both are parents who understand raising teens is hard, and both were profound.
The first was a simple statement that clicked for me, “You are doing okay, stay the course” I needed validation in my right to feel this way, and that I was doing the right thing.
The second person said, “I am here, let it out, I will listen. You are always helping everyone else, I am here for you.”
Even as I type these words my eyes get a little wet, as I am so thankful that I have finally allowed myself to share my feelings without worry, because if I didn’t I would be losing the opportunity to have the one thing I needed the most for myself, which is the support of others.
I spent the remainder of the day in bed until my husband came home from work, at which time I felt like myself again. I told him about my conversations and how I spent the day in bed. His response; “That’s good I am glad you took care of yourself.” His words were the tri-fecta of awesomeness for me yesterday.
Today I am back to feeling like myself, and I know it is only because I allowed myself to experience the vulnerability of needing people, asking for help, and showing myself some compassion. Today, I am feeling like one lucky duck. I hope you are as well.