UPDATE: This article was originally published in October 2019.
I am not surprised it has grown so quickly, and not just because of this particular subject, but many of the subject I discuss. While this article was originally written with the focus on parents of children who have been placed in wilderness or residential treatment for mental health issues, it has become clear that all the issues that I write about span every facet of all relationships both those in our personal lives and work lives.
I do believe that this article in particular speaks to one of the most difficult areas for parents, both moms and dad, and it causes us to keep silent, having other parents judge and shame us. No more, I say.
I can say, that before our life took a tumble, I can recall specific instances where I chose to judge; What kind of mother fed her kids in the supermarket? Ah, that was before I had kids, now I am like, hey mom, do you want a bagel to give the kid? Let us be compassionate, open-minded, and supportive of all people.
Enjoy the article as a re-read or a read for the first time. I would love to hear your perspective on this issue, I actually mean it, so please leave your comments or thoughts at the end.
Unfortunately this seems to be an issue that all parents come face to face with at one time or another; however for parents of kids receiving any type of mental health treatment it hits deeper and hurts more. The issue is Parent Shaming, whether it is un-intentional or intentional- Stings, – a lot.
What kind of society have we turned into where people feel compelled, forced, duty bound, obligated, or required (pick anyone, they all work) to tell you what they think about a situation that you didn’t ask their opinion on and that has no direct impact on them?
My first post to this blog was exactly 7 days ago. In that short time I have over 200 followers on my Facebook page. I have numerous emails and messages from people thanking me because they no longer feel alone. I have business interested in my writing. My son has told me that he is proud of me. His friends from treatment have read it and really like it. Most recent statement was “It’s awesome, Cheryl. when are you going to write about me?” And countless practitioners from the mental health field have applauded my efforts.
I am proud of myself for having the courage to do this. I have thought about sharing Me with the world in one capacity or another for many decades. I just didn’t know what I was going to share; but now I do, and I am doing it.
I am not naïve, but I do choose to be vulnerable. I agree in the freedom of speech and opinions. However, what I do not agree with are people who must tell you what they think, it’s like a compulsion for them, they must do it. I do not recall a statue that states, “One must convey every thought that enters your mind to others”.
I started a Facebook group months ago to support myself and other parents whose children completed wilderness and then advanced to a residential program. There have been hundreds of parents in and out of that group and I can honestly say there has not been one incident of mean or catty behavior.
When a member posted something controversial, the other members didn’t jump on him or malign him, they just ignored it. So how did my Facebook group get so lucky to have 100% of our members treat each other so well? We didn’t get lucky; we were just a group of parents who have been beaten down, and shamed, most often by the people closest to us, and we didn’t want anyone else to feel that way. It is called compassion, empathy, and sympathy.
I have heard countless stories from my Facebook members of people being “judgey” with their conversations. A comment made in haste doesn’t disappear, it lingers for days in a persons head, toying with their emotions and confidence.
Here is a tiny sample of some of the most insensitive things that have been said to my Facebook parents by non-treatment parents-they were talking about others people’s kids, not yours, right?
The kids are “bad” because they must have bad parents. * The parents didn’t try hard enough. * Mom should have quit her job. * Dad should have quit his job. * Those parents spoil that child. * The parents aren’t strict enough. * The parents are too lenient. * They have too much money. * They don’t have enough money. I could go on and on and on.
So why do I bring up this in my blog. Well, I received my first, let me say confusing communication via a private message. After I completed reading it, my first reaction was, “How dare you.” My almost immediate second reaction was, “Wow that person must be hurting a lot to lash out at me that way.”
I employed empathy and not anger, because I think you will all agree with me after reading some excerpts, that anger is not what that person needs- he needs compassion. Oh I did respond and it was vicious I wrote: “Ouch. Thanks for your thoughts.”
However the “quirky” part of me wanted to respond to some of the content with the following :
Is writing this blog the best thing for your family Cheryl???.... Ah, yes. When I am at my best, my family gets the best of me.
I thought moving to Utah was sort of a LIFE Re-boot for you and your family so I was really surprised to see that you are entrenched in writing this very intimate account of 16 yo’s journey.Intimate is telling you what kind of underwear I wear; my writing is raw and honest.
I am concerned that despite your son agreeing to your writing it, he might not respond well, to some of what you have written later down the road. You mean letting him know I loved him so much that I put everything on the line to help him and our family.
I wouldn’t feel right if I wasn’t able to let you know how I truly felt about you writing it. So, your writing was about making yourself feel better and not really about me or my family?
I would have assumed you would want a fresh start, rather than rehashing a painful and dark time, that your family recently underwent. Fresh starts does not mean ignore and hide from the past; it means addressing issues and moving forward.
I am also really concerned for your son 14 yo son and think energy should be put into trying to make him as happy as possible rather than focusing solely on 16 yo and all that he has seemingly put you through over the years. Parents are not responsible for their child’s happiness. My job as a parent is to provide a loving and stable environment for my children. It is to guide them to make good and moral decisions; and when they don’t, stand by their side and support them as they deal with the consequences. It is unfair to ask a person to carry the burden of another persons happiness.
Wishing you the best in whatever choices you make… they are never without consequences. That was ominous, thank you.
I do find myself rather funny at times, not always, but sometimes. I try to laugh as much as possible, so I hope you are laughing right now with me. So with all of this being said, my final comment is of this post is…
Be kind to people. You never really know the entire story. Replace judgement with compassion and empathy.
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I googled parent/mom shaming and below are the first four articles that came up, and while some are dated they are still very revelant today. It isn’t just my perspective, it is real.
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