My last post on PSN was 110 days ago on August 14th, right before the start of the new school year here in Utah and the one year anniversary of our son being home. The guilt of not writing had overwhelmed me as time went on, each month that passed I was wondering how to I just pop up again after months of nothing? I was embarrassed, that it didn’t feel “important” enough for me to just do it. A day turned into a week, a week a month, and now it has been 110 days. I am still embarrassed and a bit ashamed, but avoiding it wasn’t going to make it feel any better. So here I am.
Basically while I have been busy these last few months; I actually started a new small business out of my home; Cheryl’s Bagels, my motivation for engaging on a deeper level has been severely lacking.
The lack of the ability to look forward to the future is hard for me. I like to plan and the anticipation of the event, whether it is traveling to see a friend or do an activity has been muted. As it has felt like, what is the point of planning when you don’t know if “Rona” is going to kill those plans.
Thanksgiving wasn’t a solid until 24 hours before, living like that is hard. I got sucked into the mindset. I made a conscious decision over Thanksgiving that I was going to give my all to Christmas, despite the fact that I do not know if we will be doing or seeing anyone. I desperately needed to see and feel Joy.
This past weekend, Christmas threw up all over our house, much like a toddlers projectile vomiting, it was everywhere. From the outside where four wreaths adorn windows, and giant ornament balls hang from the trees. Nutcrackers guard our garage doors, a nativity sits on our front lawn, and the little drummer and bugler are guarding our chicken coop. Now if that isn’t enough you enter our house to be met by a 4 foot automated Santa that sings and sways to music via motion sensor. He has been know to scare the crap out of me during the night, when he mysteriously turns on. Several more wreaths, stockings by the non-functional fire place, garland and ribbon, and about 70 nutcrackers of different sizes are spread around the house. Ugly sweaters have been worn this week.
Usually, I have a theme, but this year, we put EVERYTHING out, and it feels good. I have no idea if we will be able to have small groups of guests over to socialize distantly with, but it doesn’t matter. Christmas this year is truly for us, and to make me feel happy and joyful. The physical adornments of Christmas is enough to lift me from my funk.
I hope that you find something to be joyful about today, next week, the reminder of this year, and into next. Find something that makes you smile and focus on it. Today for me it was writing, and I feel happy.
Wishing you a wonderful day.